Jihad Comics

In case you haven't seen the 12 "offending" comics that are turning Europe upside-down, read this.

Here's the story that explains the start of it all, months ago.

I think it's important to show support to both our Danish friends and our Muslim allies. Overall censorship is intolerable and not evidence of a free thinking society. Without free thinking, we wouldn't have Ikea or Swedish pornography. Jutland, as we know it, would not exist! Yet freedom of speech does not mean you can trounce on the sacred and get away with it. You put down my prophet and I'll burn your flag. You make me laugh at my prophet and I'll salute your flag. Really, it's all about whether the comics are funny. Why risk offending someone's religion unless you make them laugh? It's not about offending them for the sake of offending them. Aren't we all in it for the yucks? Of course we are. So the lesson to learn is: if there are no comedy clubs in the country, then lay low on the comics in the newspapers. Comedy, by its very nature is subversive. And if you don't "get it," if you don't laugh at it, then it's not subversive -- it's OFFENSIVE! Nobody likes bad attempts at humor. Nobody. It's offensive.Now, with that in mind, here's my list of comics we should target in the U.S. to have a jihad against:

• Beetle Bailey
• Marmaduke
• Apartment 3G
• GarfieldSure, there are plenty others, but we must establish a value system to the ones that have caused the most pain and have been the most disruptive to our society and popular culture. Once we get these comics taken care of, then we can set the rest of our priorities. I'm thinking ahead here, but maybe fifth on the list would be all editorial cartoons in the New Yorker.

I chose Beetle first and foremost because of its blatant mockery of military authority and the fact that it has not made me laugh once in its decades of being in print. I don't have anything against Beetle himself -- it's really the one-toothed Sarge who bothers me the most. Look, Sarge, if it's so easy to drive a jeep, why don't you drive it yourself?! Perhaps it's his weight, his arrogance, his overbearing presence in the midst of the ever-so slight Beetle -- I'm not sure. But I am sure that jihad against this comic is clearly warranted.

Marmaduke -- can anyone argue the point to NOT have jihad against this comic? Careful, Clifford, the Big Red Dog isn't too far behind, wagging his tail and sniffing Marmaduke's butt. Just to put it all in perspective -- Marmaduke is the kind of dog that would hump Muhammad's leg. So, ai-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! to Marmaduke.

Apartment 3G -- what the hell is going on? I always thought comics were supposed to be funny. Isn't that why they're called the Funnies? What's funny about some whiskered bloke visiting one of the girls and offering a toast for the New Year? I mean, really. Who honestly follows these psychiatric-driven soap opera comics? By the way, down the hall from Apartment 3G is Rex Morgan, MD., who also almost made the jihad comics list. One more case of herpes and he would have. I forgive Rex Morgan, MD somewhat, because of bizarre contemporary comics like this one, where he only appears in the title panel, swilling down a therapeutic brewski. I'm sorry, but the panel about a bomb going off in the guy's face and the bartender's reation is funny to me. Make me laugh, no jihad. It's that simple.

Garfield -- were it not for the feature film, I would probably have allowed the lazy cat

alone. The only thing endearing about Garfield was when he was voiced by Carlton the doorman. But the film -- the DVD -- the merchandise. Much damage has been done to society by this cat. So enough is enough. Garfield! Ai-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!In the meantime, make mine Andy Capp. And wake me when the paper comes in so I can see what Zippy and Pogo are up to these days.